First Guard Competetion

I really had the intention of writing this blog last weekend while it was fresh in my mind however, after the events of the day I was in no mood to write. Now you may be axing yourself ,self, what in the hell is a winter guard, well that is why I am here, to expand your minds with my vast knowledge of the subject. The winter guard is program that infuses the elements of dance, gymnastics, pain, contortion, physical injury and the unstable emotional state of teenagers. The program is usually run by your local high school band and is an extension of the high school marching band. Reese and I are going through the whole learning process with thing 2 as she ventures into a new chapter of stuff to do.

The school this year has two groups, the J.V. and the Varsity. Thing two is a member of the J.V. squad. The J.V. is performing a guard routine to the very popular song “Car Wash”, I mentioned this in my last blog and so once again I will give a few moments once again to sing a couple of lines. Last Saturday was the first completion at one of the snobby rich high schools near Houston. Due to the fact that the competition was near Houston that meant that we would have to leave Copperas Cove no later than 4:30 in the morning. Yeah, I know it really sucked but I dealt with it the best I could. I was amazed at just how giddy the guard was. I first figured that since they were teenagers they just didn’t know any better. Then I figured that they all must have been on crack. We were very lucky that the bus that the school district gave us was one of the highly and most coveted and desired modes of transportation, the mighty blue bus. Wow what luck to be allowed to ride on this mode of wonderful transportation that is usually only given to the football team or the cheerleaders. At this point I think, Wow, we are traveling in style. This blue masterpiece even has a bathroom in it, Wow! How cool is that. I am thinking three and half hours to Houston on this, no problem.

The guard had to load the bus with all of their equipment, rifles, which I call guns because it pisses off the guard , sabers, which I call twirly knives because it pisses the guard off, the flags, which I call fags, because it pisses the guard off. The last three item to go on the bus was the two mats and cart. Each mat weighs in at 300 lbs and the cart is used to haul the mats. It was pretty fun watch the guard push, pull, groan, sweat as the attempted to get all this stuff under the bus. They must have spent a good 10 minutes until they finally succeeded with the task, then it dawned on me as I watch thing 2 standing there in the cold at 4;20 in the morning doing her best to help, laughing and joking, that this is the little girl that the night before complained because I ask her to take the trash out. Huh, go figure.

Ok it is finally time to board the bus, I stepped up and say to the bus driver,

Good morning, how ya doing?

..............blank stare……………. Uh-oh, Houston we have a problem. The bus driver just sat there and stared at me. So I once again said,

“Hello, there Skippy!!”

The bus driver finally turned to me and said and I quote,

“JIBBA JABBA HUMP HUMP SOMETHING GASP MUMBLE”.

I turned to Reese and said.

“did you get that?”.

Reese said let me try to communicate with him so she said,

“Good morning, it’s good to see you again, it’s been awhile since football season. huh?”.

To which he replied.

”JIBBA JABBA SMACK CIRCLE WHIZ POP MUMBLE!”.

Oh no we are in trouble we got Mr. Happy for this trip. Mr. Chapa jumps on the bus looks at Mr. Happy and said,

“Good Moring!, do you know where we are going?”

To which Mr. Happy holds up what appears to be a IHOP napkin shakes it at Mr. Chapa and says,

“JIBBA JABBA ROAD GO MAP GOOGLE EARTH WHAT MUMBLE COUGH SNEEZE WHIZ SHIT!”.

I got it this guys has turrets, that explains everything. I have been standing in the aisle this entire time waiting for the guard to the head count make sure that we don’t leave anyone behind. We finally get the thumbs up from the guard captain which tells us that it is time to roll. My plan was to sit down get comfortable, and sleep all the way to Houston. I turned aimed my behind to the custom seats awaiting the joy of stretching out my legs an being lazy. I hit the seat and something was wrong, my legs didn’t fit, the clearance between the cushion in front of my seat and my legs was too short. I calculated that it was too short by about 9 inches. No problem I decided that I would just kick my legs from out under the cushion and let my feet hang out over the stairs. As I began to stretch I discovered they had place a metal plate blocking my path. My next choice was to move my legs out into the aisle and stretch out. Once again no luck, my legs were blocked by the arm rest. So for the next three and half hours I sat in my seat like a Cambodian refugee on a cargo ship from Malaysia.

Due to my current situation I decide I would sit and watch our wonderful driver as he made his way to the event. Everyone else was blissfully asleep as I stared out into the dark Texas morning reminding myself every 3 minute that this bus sucks, the guard sucks the whole high school sucks. We finally arrived to our destination, to everyone else it was just another high school, to me it was nirvana. I was pretty worried because I has lost most of feeling in my lower extremities about 3 hours prior, I was hoping that they would not need to amputate. The bus finally stopped and I crawled off of the bus and kissed the ground. I took joy in watching the guard unload the bus, I was more than happy to just stand. The guard finally unloaded the bus, changed and began their informal warm ups. Went to formal warm ups, and at last they were ready to perform.

The J.V. had never performed in front of group before, they had never been judged before, so when they were finally set to perform, all at once they looked into the crowd and collectively made on big gulp sound. I didn’t realize until just then just how big someone could make their eyes. You could see their minds racing trying to remember all of the steps, praying to God that they would not be the one to screw it up, or drop a gun, or twirly knife, or a fag. The performance was about to begin they were committed, no turning back, they could do this, start the music. We all heard the first note the then without warning we all hear the CD skip, oh crap the CD skipped, I looked at the guard and noticed that they were all attempting to dance to and keep time with a skipping CD. Oh no, the guard was desperately scanning the gym for Mr. Chapa, with look on their faces as if to say help us. They finally managed to get back on track and did a really good job. In the end they finally end up 5th out of six. And they were happy to just survive their first competition.

The ride home was quiet, the guard was exhausted the parents were exhausted, and I was without the use of my legs again. I sat and watched Mr. Happy drive the bus all the way back to Cove, and felt good that my community was an equal opportunity employer. I told Mr. Happy that admired his courage at how he had overcome his handicap so that he could drive a school bus and he turned to me and said,

” JIBBA JABBA SNORT WHIZ COUGH SNEEZE, KISS MY ASS!”