The invasion

Have you ever had that sick feeling in your gut? Do you remember how it made you feel? Maybe it was waiting for results of a test or maybe there was a time when you sat in your car and watched the flashing lights in your rear view mirror with that terrible lump in your throat. Throughout my life I have had these sick feelings. When I was a small child I remember several times at the hospital waiting on a team of doctors to diagnose my condition, because no one had ever seen a case like mine before. I remember the day I loaded the van to head off to the Army, venturing into the unknown. I remember the first time I jumped out of an airplane in training, and the first time I jumped from a plane into an unknown area. I remember a damp February morning in 1991, standing on top of a small hill looking north into Iraq, wondering if I would ever see my family again. I remember the night of March 30, 2004 as I lay in my bed, not sleeping and wondering how long I would be gone this time and once again wondering if I would ever return. And this past Friday night, February 6, 2009, all of those sick, hopeless feelings returned, because I knew that on the following day, Saturday, February7, 2009, my house would be invaded by teenagers to celebrate Thing 2’s 15th birthday, and there was nothing that I could do.

I did my best to keep myself busy, I figured if I didn’t think about the events that where about to transpire, maybe I would be able to relax. However, everything that we did that day revolved around the party. We picked up some horror movies for the party, because it’s a teen tradition to scare themselves senseless and then complain it about it for the rest of the night. We picked up the cake, and for the 3rd year in a row they managed to spell Thing 2’s name wrong. Once again they spelled it “Thyng 2” instead of the proper “Thing 2”. We brought this error to the decorator’s attention immediately and he look at us like we had a stick growing out of our fore heads. We showed him the order form and that in fact, on the form Thing 2’s name is spelled with an “I”, and not a “Y”, and then he look at us and said,

“Are you sure?”

So being the smart ass that I am said,

“Have you ever thought about a career driving a school bus for the band?”

So the baker took the cake bake to fix, “OUR”, error, and we headed off into the store with the purpose of getting everything that we would need for the invasion. Thing 2 knew everything that she would need in order to sustain the masses. It was a well orchestrated dance as she moved through the aisles like a New York city cab driver during rush hour. We had lost Reese a few rows back. We have learned to expect this, because every time we go shopping she will run into someone she knows which in turn causes her to converse and lose focus on the task at hand.

We uploaded, chips, dips, sodas, I would like to mention at this point that when dealing with Texas Teenagers, when I say soda, I really mean “Dr. Pepper”. Dr. Pepper is like the nectar of the gods to a Texas Teen. Thing 2 absolutely hates the fact the Disney World does not sale this sweet ambrosia in their parks and she lets everyone there know just how upset she is. Ok, back the shopping. We found ice cream, paper plates, cups and napkins. Then we headed all the way back to the other end of the store to pick up the repaired cake. We found the decorator and he produced the finished product and was proud to show us that he had used all of his skills to correct the improper spelling. If you ask me it appeared that he used his finger to wipe off the “Y” and replaced with the “I”.

So we checked out, ran home and download all of the goodies. Reese and I then headed to the band hall to feed about 4 hundred thousand people. We took separate cars, so that I could get home in time to prepare the defenses and teen proof the house. I made it home in time to disperse the garlic and the crucifixes. I sedated the cat, said the rosary and reloaded my in haler and did a mandatory puffer check. And then it started, the Mongols began to arrive. They devised a sinister plan to arrive in shifts and some times one at a time. Reese was still at the band hall and I started to panic. The teens started to say things like, “We are hungry” and “We need drinks”. I managed to squeeze off a few puffs of my haler. I did not want them to see me panic. They can sense fear and I knew that I must remain calm. I sent off an emergency 911 text to Reese and told her that I needed back up. She responded that she was finishing up at the band hall and that she would be here in about thirty minutes. My mind began to race I needed diversion. So I sacrificed the cat, teen girls love cats or so I thought. I will never make that mistake again.

Finally Reese arrived with pizza and saved the day. I am told that the party was a great success. I really can’t say, because for the rest of the night I kept my distance with my inhaler at the ready. From the comfort of the upstairs closet I listened in the dark as they screamed during various parts of the movie.